The Distance Thing

As I write this journal entry, I’m sitting on a flight bound for Wellington from Rotorua, on the verge of some exciting life changes.  It’s been a bit of a whirlwind journey ever since I left my job four weeks ago, but it feels as though everything is finally starting to settle after having some time away to just collect my thoughts and breathe for a bit.

In recent days I’ve had quite a few people ask me what my plans are and when I’ll be leaving the area, not to say that they want me to leave but just curious as to why I hadn’t shifted away to be with my husband already.  On Sunday night I made the decision to hop in the car and drive through the night so that I could come and see Ryan and have ‘the talk’ face to face, because I myself had been starting to wonder the same thing and in all honesty, I was even avoiding the topic.

I find it easy, personally, to get into a comfort zone, and once I’m there I find it hard to challenge myself to go outside of those bounds.  I moved home ten years ago with no plans for my future or what I was going to do or who I was going to become.  Life in the North is easy for me because I have my friends, and especially my family there, and so I don’t want to feel like I have to go somewhere else and start over especially when I feel like I’ve achieved so much, personally and professionally after starting from nothing.

Visiting Whakatane this week was to ensure that I make the right choices for my life, and my relationship.  By staying up North, does that mean that I’m choosing and making a conscious decision to live away from my husband?  And why should I be the one that has to pack up my life, after all, it wasn’t me that shifted at the beginning of the year.  With so many different conflicting thoughts going around in my head, it’s only fair that I make the next decision with his input because this isn’t something that I should be deciding for the both of us, on my own.

Part of my frustration is that I’m a person that needs a lot of attention, and I need to have good people in my life.  I love the people that I have already met, and I’ve built life long bonds with so many that to start over seems like such a big thing to have to do.  But amidst all of the confusion, the reality is that life is no fun if it is easy, it is the twists and turns, highs and lows that make the ride all that more enjoyable.

I had some good time to reflect after my discussion with Ryan yesterday, I went for a drive around Whakatane and took in some of the sights.  I took a lot of photographs and just spent some time alone with my thoughts.  Do I absolutely want to live in Whakatane?  No.  But, we have put so much into this relationship and we’ve been together so long that I don’t want to, and don’t know that I could start over again.  I miss living with my husband, I really do, and living together again is going to take some adjusting to, but at this point if I make a decision that means I remain in the north, I’m not giving my all to make sure that we survive the distance thing.

So, my time out yesterday really helped to clarify my position.  I will be leaving the North, sooner, rather than later and I aim to be relocated within the next couple of weeks if everything lines up.  The longer I stay, the harder it will be to motivate myself to get the wheels in motion, and there’s no time like the present right?  And after all, home will always be there and it’s not that far away.  I choose to be where my heart is.