The Distance Thing

As I write this journal entry, I’m sitting on a flight bound for Wellington from Rotorua, on the verge of some exciting life changes.  It’s been a bit of a whirlwind journey ever since I left my job four weeks ago, but it feels as though everything is finally starting to settle after having some time away to just collect my thoughts and breathe for a bit.

In recent days I’ve had quite a few people ask me what my plans are and when I’ll be leaving the area, not to say that they want me to leave but just curious as to why I hadn’t shifted away to be with my husband already.  On Sunday night I made the decision to hop in the car and drive through the night so that I could come and see Ryan and have ‘the talk’ face to face, because I myself had been starting to wonder the same thing and in all honesty, I was even avoiding the topic.

I find it easy, personally, to get into a comfort zone, and once I’m there I find it hard to challenge myself to go outside of those bounds.  I moved home ten years ago with no plans for my future or what I was going to do or who I was going to become.  Life in the North is easy for me because I have my friends, and especially my family there, and so I don’t want to feel like I have to go somewhere else and start over especially when I feel like I’ve achieved so much, personally and professionally after starting from nothing.

Visiting Whakatane this week was to ensure that I make the right choices for my life, and my relationship.  By staying up North, does that mean that I’m choosing and making a conscious decision to live away from my husband?  And why should I be the one that has to pack up my life, after all, it wasn’t me that shifted at the beginning of the year.  With so many different conflicting thoughts going around in my head, it’s only fair that I make the next decision with his input because this isn’t something that I should be deciding for the both of us, on my own.

Part of my frustration is that I’m a person that needs a lot of attention, and I need to have good people in my life.  I love the people that I have already met, and I’ve built life long bonds with so many that to start over seems like such a big thing to have to do.  But amidst all of the confusion, the reality is that life is no fun if it is easy, it is the twists and turns, highs and lows that make the ride all that more enjoyable.

I had some good time to reflect after my discussion with Ryan yesterday, I went for a drive around Whakatane and took in some of the sights.  I took a lot of photographs and just spent some time alone with my thoughts.  Do I absolutely want to live in Whakatane?  No.  But, we have put so much into this relationship and we’ve been together so long that I don’t want to, and don’t know that I could start over again.  I miss living with my husband, I really do, and living together again is going to take some adjusting to, but at this point if I make a decision that means I remain in the north, I’m not giving my all to make sure that we survive the distance thing.

So, my time out yesterday really helped to clarify my position.  I will be leaving the North, sooner, rather than later and I aim to be relocated within the next couple of weeks if everything lines up.  The longer I stay, the harder it will be to motivate myself to get the wheels in motion, and there’s no time like the present right?  And after all, home will always be there and it’s not that far away.  I choose to be where my heart is.

Vows

Two years ago I celebrated in a Civil Union with my soulmate, my best friend, my world, my everything.  It’s crazy to think how fast time flies, the ups and the downs, highs and lows and changes all around.  I wanted to share my vows, because they say everything that I wanted to on my most special of days, and every day before and after.  To my lovely Husband, this is for you and I am forever yours.

 

Dear Ryan, my lover other half of my heart,

No-one else in this whole world will do,

These vows are forever, from the depth of my soul,

And say all that I want to, to you.

You saved me that moment, August thirteenth,

Two thousand and five was the day,

That we met online and started to chat,

When I figured out just what to say.

I had eight months to know you, truly so deep,

Our connection divided by sea,

But in those first moments I already knew,

You and I would one day become ‘we’.

Remember those times when we lived with my Mum,

In the place I grew up in the Lake?

My world became ours, my family too,

Not long after our own home we’d make.

We’ve had ups and had downs, but more often good

And I’ve said things I really don’t mean,

You’ve shaped who I am and helped me to grow,

Saw something in me no-one else had seen.

You know when I’m happy, and when I am blue,

For 8 years almost I’ve been smitten,

I’m a book that you know, front cover to back,

And chapters that are yet to be written.

On this day in front of our family and friends,

I will make you this promise, this vow,

To love you forever, be there when you need me,

No matter what, where, when or how.

I’ll honor this promise in the time that will pass,

Minutes, hours days weeks and years,

I’ll be right by your side through the happiest of moments,

And I’ll be there to wipe all your tears.

You’re the love of my life, the person who which,

I can share all and hide things from never,

I’m the luckiest man on this whole wide world,

And I will be yours forever.

So dear Ryan, my lover other half of my heart,

There’s no-one else in this whole world but you,

These vows are forever from the depth of my soul,

I can’t wait to say I do.

Today sounds like…

One of the very first songs that I shared with Ryan while he was still living in America was the song ‘Be’ by Jessica Simpson.  Everything about it spoke to what I couldn’t wait to make true.  You can listen to ‘Be’ by clicking the image to the left.  I have copied the lyrics below.

“Be”

Way it’s gonna
Way it’s gonna

Lately I find I’m caught up in these thoughts
How will you come to me
How will we connect these hearts
Are you somewhere near
Hidden like a four-leaf clover
Are you miles away
Are we getting any closer
Are we getting any closer

I already see us moving mountains
I already see us walk in water
I already see the clouds we’re flying
Over and under
I can really see us having babies
Walking through the park and being lazy
I already see myself falling in love eternally
And I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be
And I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be

I already see us moving mountains
And I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be
I already see us walk in water
And I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be

Being with you
Is a like a scene from a dream in heaven
I feel you running through
All my senses
Will you taste like rain
Can I breathe you like air
Will I lose myself in your arms somewhere

I already see us moving mountains
I already see us walk in water
I already see the clouds we’re flying
Over and under
I can really see us having babies
Walking through the park and being lazy
I already see myself falling in love eternally
And I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be
I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be

And I know and I know and I know
Love can move a mountain
And I know and I know
It’s gonna be even better than I imagined
Putting all my trust in you
Putting all my trust in you
We’ll make this dream come true

I can really see us having babies
Walking through the park and being lazy
I already see myself falling in love eternally
And I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be
And I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be

I already see us moving mountains
The way it’s gonna be
I already see us walk in water
The way it’s gonna be
I can really see us having babies
The way it’s gonna be
I already see myself falling in love
Meant to be
I already see us moving mountains
The way it’s gonna be
I already see us walk in water
To me
The way it’s gonna be
I can really see us having babies
The way it’s gonna be

Dying of a broken heart

When I was growing up, I only had my Grandmother for a short time.  I remember her well, even though she passed away when I was five years old.  I remember her holding me, I remember her laugh and I recall her sitting in the back porch of what is today my Mothers home.

She had two very good friends who lived at Tokerau Beach, Dave and Kyra Fox, and after her passing they would visit us and we grew up calling them Nana and Poppa.  They were wonderful, always so pleasant to be around and very interested in how I was doing academically.  As much as I thought of them as my Grandparents, I believe they thought of me as their Grandson.

They had a magical garden that I would love to visit.  It was surrounded by a tall hedge, and contained within was an abundance of fruit trees, the sweetest tangelos that I had ever eaten and they would grow their own vegetables.  Going into their house was like stepping into a time warp where the furniture hadn’t changed or been upgraded and yet there was something comfortable and homely that I felt there, even though it wasn’t my home.  When we would visit, Nana would sit us down at the kitchen table, and she would have prepared a bite to eat that was buttered bread, chopped white onion, sliced tomatoes, cheese and a can of corned beef.  I can still smell it when I think of it.

Nana had Parkinsons disease and would start shaking.  In early 2000 she took a tumble and hit her head and ended up in hospital.  I can still recall hearing the voicemail that Poppa had left on Mums answering machine to let her know what had happened.  I was attending Kaitaia College at the time, and I went and saw her.  She was in a coma and the prognosis did not look good.  Her eyes were closed, but not completely and I sat down next to her and cried.

I leaned in and just stroked her hand and looked at her, knowing that she wouldn’t be going back home, and that this was my time to say goodbye.  I spoke to her and told her, “I love you like you are my real Nana.  Thank you for loving me like your real Grandson”.

Nana and Poppa had been married sixty years, and had only ever been with each other.  They were a beautiful couple, and it broke my heart to see him deteriorate so quickly in the following six months.  I visited him one day, we just sat and watched the television and he told me how much he longed to see her again.  I was a 17 year old teenager and had never been in love so I couldn’t understand his words and could only see them for the emotion that they invoked, and they made me sad.

Poppa was a healthy man at the time of Nana’s passing, big and strong.  By June he had withered away to a frail man that I barely recognised, and passed away shortly after.  It was then that I knew for sure that you can die of a broken heart, and I wholeheartedly believe that he did.  At the end of his time I felt even though his mind was gone, there was a part of him that knew he would be reunited with his beloved Kyra once again.

Today sounds like…

Let’s slow it down a little bit, for I fear that we were getting a bit carried away there for a minute!  I have the perfect song, and it’s by one of my favourite artists, the ever beautiful and amazing, Sade.

This song is called ‘Somebody Already Broke My Heart’ from the 2000 album, ‘Lovers Rock’ and is soothing, mellow, classic Sade.  It talks about finding a new love after the last love didn’t work out so well.  People who’ve had a broken heart or been through a tough relationship will understand that sometimes we look for someone new and without realising it, expect them to help put us back together.  This song spoke to me in a time when I was lonely and for that reason, means a lot to me.

You can watch the video by clicking the image.

The Simple Life

I miss my old, simple life.  This is a tale of reflection, an advisory of how we can only move forward and never back as much as we wish we could, and a yearning of days gone by.

—-

Friday nights, if I wasn’t heading out to catch up with friends and drink far too much to feel any sort of good the next day, I’d get through the front door of our house after walking five minutes to get home.  I’d get out of my work uniform and watch TV while I waited for Ryan to get home.  I’d see him pull his car up on to the front lawn and wish he wouldn’t because I’d already asked him about five times not to park there because the lawn is dying, but he’d forgotten and done it anyway.

He’s walking in to the house and I say, “Hi sweetness, how are you?” and we take a few minutes to catch up over the things that had either been the making or breaking of our day.  I watch him as he removes his tie while taking a big sigh and releasing from all of the frustrations, or listen as he excitedly talks about all that he has accomplished.

Maybe I’ll mow the lawns tonight while it’s still light outside?  Or we could head down to the video store and pick out some movies to watch together on the couch?  But we’ll learn from the last time we hired too many and didn’t end up watching them because we forgot that we’d invited people over the next day.

He’s heading to the kitchen now to make himself a snack and I’m picking up our work clothes.  I think there’s enough to put a load in the laundry now, and if I get them done tonight then we won’t need to worry about it again all weekend.  “Have you fed Lola today?”.  “Yes, we really need to cut down on how much food we’re giving her, she’s getting quite large”.

I watch him as he prepares one of his snacks.  Cheese on crackers.  “Sweetness, don’t eat too much or you won’t be hungry for dinner.  What do you feel like?”.  “Oh, why don’t we just fend for ourselves tonight, it’s been a long week.  Please tell me we haven’t got anyone coming over tonight.”  “No, it’s just you and I.”

The sun is setting now, and I’m about to put the lawnmower away.  Thankfully I beat the sun, and I managed to get them done on one tank of gas!  The miniature flaxes are getting a bit out of control, I should probably cut them back soon.  I start to roll the lawnmower back to the garage and rap my fingers on the window.  He’s sitting on the couch playing xbox and as he turns and our eyes catch one anothers I poke my tongue out and he smiles.

We head down to the video store and we still haven’t learned from the time before.  We’ve picked up five movies that we want to see, but it’s okay because they’re week-long hires.  We’ve seen one of them but we both really liked it and want to see what it looks like on Blu-Ray.  It’s been a couple of hours since his crackers so we decide that I’ll have chinese takeaways for dinner, and we’ll swing by McDonalds so he can pick up a ten piece pack of chicken nuggets and a coke zero.  I feel the quickly passing wave of frustration wash over me because I know that every time he orders the nuggets they make us pull around to the carpark in the front as they cook them fresh and I just want to get home and have my dinner.

We’re set up in the lounge now, our meal of choice spread out before us and I’ve decided to let him pick the first movie that we watch.  I know he doesn’t want to watch this one, but he picks a movie that I selected because he knows that this is the one that I would have picked and he’s considerate like that.

Half an hour in and I pick up my phone and start checking my Twitter and Facebook.  I can see him out of the corner of my eye, watching me frustratedly because I should be paying attention to the movie.  I’ve always been bad like that, no attention span.  It’s really warm in here, so I remove my socks and slouch into the couch.  I’ve put my phone down because I can sense that I’m irritating him.

The movie finishes and we say to each other, we’d better clean up the mess so we don’t have to do it in the morning.  It’s late and we’re not sure if we can watch another one tonight, so we decide to head to bed with our laptops and check out what’s happening on the internet.  Lola is running towards the bedroom from the kitchen and we both laugh and make a joke about how she’s so heavy that she sounds like a dog coming down the hallway.  She slows down as she approaches the window sill in front of our bed, and we watch as she leaps upwards, disappearing behind the curtains, trailing shapes along the length of the window in the soft light.

It’s one of the rare occasions that it’s happened, but Ryan closes his laptop lid and the glare disappears from his half of the bed.  I don’t want to feel like the last to be up, so a couple of minutes later I shut mine as well, discard the extra pillows to the chair in the corner with a swift heave and shuffle down to the end of my bed, cosying in to my pillow and draping my arm across his chest.

“Are you sleepy?” I ask him.  “Yes,” he replies, “do you want to go to the market in the morning?”.  “That’d be cool,” I say, “what time?”.  “I’m going to sleep in, so probably around ten, ten thirty”.  “That sounds good sweetness.  I love you very much.”, “I love you too”.  “Sleep sweetly, sweetness.  Goodnight Lola”.  And as I lay there listening to cars in the streets across town, the last thought that enters my mind is of the laundry that I’ve forgotten to hang out and will need to go through another wash cycle in the morning.

—-

Yes, I miss the days when life was simple.  I hate that we don’t live together anymore and I know I did appreciate the times when we lived in Kaitaia but I have an overwhelming feeling that there were so many missed opportunities to just love one another and the life that was there.  We can never go back and we’re growing as individuals and as a couple, but I would give anything to return to those moments and say let’s just stay here in our own little cocoon forever and never let the world in.

I don’t like living alone and this ‘me’ is a stranger to the ‘me’ from seven months ago that I sometimes feel like I don’t even know anymore.  But I’m on a path, and the path is never meant to be easy, but we will always have the memories to remind us of where ‘home’ really is.

Today Sounds Like…

I owe the playlist a few songs as I’ve been a bit busy over the last couple of days.  You can listen to each of the songs in Youtube by clicking their accompanying album or single picture, or on Spotify via the link below!

First up is a fantastic track called ‘Heartbreak Warfare’ by John Mayer.  I’ve always liked the majority of John Mayers music, but this is my favorite and comes from his 2009 album, ‘Battle Studies’.  “If you want more love, why don’t you say so”?  I love it.

Secondly comes a song called ‘Click, Click, Click’, released on the 2008 album ‘The Block’ by New Kids On The Block, or NKOTB.  I know what you’re thinking; “What the hell”?  This song and a few tracks from this album were actually quite good, so give it a listen before you judge!

And finally, in 2007 Sophie Ellis-Bextor released her album ‘Trip The Light Fantastic’.  The album was good and the song ‘If You Go’ is one in particular that I go back to quite a bit.  Enjoy!